Rediscover & Redefine Your sPaRkLe
You’ve finally gathered the courage to leave the world you were in where your children had two parents to care for them under one roof. Now you have your kids with you, but everything is different. You don’t know who you are anymore. You feel like you have lost your identity. This can’t be your life. How did things escalate to this degree? How do you figure out how to move forward, when everything you know and are used to is in the past?
Hopelessness, guilt, and instability have been your buddies lately. It’s no surprise, actually. After all, you have literally had to drop everything and start over. We want you to become friends with hope, love, and stability from here on out. What do you say we get into some ways that will allow you to be able to rediscover who you are and redefine who you are meant to be so that you can shine again?
Statistically, studies show that it can take an average of 18 months to move on emotionally from a long-term relationship that ends in divorce. Of course, you’re the expert at knowing what kind of shit storm disrupted your world, creating emotions and struggles that you never have imagined. It’s complicated, right? Every situation, including yours, is different. You’re moving on, though, and we’re going to help you continue to do just that!
6-Step System To Find Your Sparkle
1 . Feel
There is no doubt that what you have been through is different from anything you have ever experienced. You never thought your world would be what it is, and you have felt things emotionally that you never expected. Not only that, but you have no idea how you’re getting from one second to the next and how you can move beyond the pain, hurt, and memories.
This step is all about acknowledging that you have a right to feel how you do. No one can tell you that it is right or wrong. Your feelings belong to you. However, in order to move ahead, you’re going to have to try and rid yourself of all the negativity and bitterness, even if it is one baby step at a time. Feel how you’re feeling, accept it as a part of what was, and when you are ready, leave it in the past. If you feel it may help, don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help.
2. Let Go
Oh, the memories! The routines. Everything that you were accustomed to has now changed, and seemingly overnight. It’s you and your kids now, and whether or not your ex spends time with them, you have to forget those old patterns and strive to create new experiences and schedules.
Letting go can be difficult. We know and we understand. It’s much easier said than done, but it’s part of the healing process. You’re not powerless in this situation, though. Think about all the creative ways you can to provide your children with a sense of belonging, security, and love. It’s time to start fresh, and your kids can also help you if you let them.
We’re not exactly referring to the work you do to earn a paycheck each week, but we may as well mention it while we’re on the subject. Try your hardest to secure a job that will help put food on the table for you and your kids. There are government programs available (check out our resources tab) if you’re needing immediate help. It should be one of your goals to become financially stable.
In all honesty, it is our suggestion that you work on building relationships with your kids. Focus on them. Sure, your life has changed, but can you imagine theirs? They’re feeling like their lives have split into two and they don’t know what to think. They may even be thinking that they’re to blame for the separation of their parents.
Take as much time as you have available and show them unconditional love. Now, more than ever, they need stability and they need to feel love. Everyone is emotional and those emotions aren’t the same from person to person. Try to be understanding and listen when your children try to reach out. Smile often, and always tell them how much you love them.
Now is not the time to cling to a false hope that rekindling your past relationship is the best option (for you or your kids). Try to avoid feeling that if you were to get back together with your ex, everything would be wonderful again. It has already failed, right? While it is possible to work through things, you’ve already split, and therefore, the chance of it surviving again is slim. This can also be dangerous and provide your children with a hope of having two parents again. Perhaps a better goal would be to figure out a plan that would allow the two of you to co-parent your children, together and civilly.
If you’re new to being separated, you may want to consider taking a break before you hit the dating scene. Nurturing a new romantic relationship before being the best mom to your kids right now could be a stumbling block. Don’t be afraid to be single right now. Ultimately, you will know when dating feels like the right thing to do. Just try not to rush into something that you may regret later. Think about how your kids may handle you dating someone new.
Once you feel like the past is in the past, you can finally begin to embrace your new emotions, surroundings, and situations. The thing to remember now is that you are fully in control of yourself and your actions. There is no one else in the driver’s seat except for you. You are the one thing in life you have control over.
Focus on yourself and how far you have come. Each minute that passes is another minute that you’re making it! If you can embrace your current circumstances and practice positive self-care, you’re going to be a better version of yourself, and that’s exactly who your kids need you to be.
Be true to yourself. Think about the things that make you truly happy. Maybe you’re finding that a past hobby is begging for your attention, or perhaps, you have a new passion just beginning. Whatever is making you happy is helping to get you from one day to the next. You’ve got goals you’re working towards crushing, and you, brave mama, have a purpose in this world.
Through the eyes of your children, you have gone through the unimaginable and you’re surviving it. Not only that, you’re providing love and stability for them. You know that each day brings its own challenges, but together with your kids, you’re moving on, and it finally feels right.
This isn’t easy. Divorce is certainly not fun, but it’s not bad or inappropriate, either. On the battlefield, you lost a lot of yourself. It was a challenge and you know it. In the days following your separation, you have learned (albeit slowly at times) that you want to create a life of abundant love and happiness for your children.
Your sparkle will return if it hasn’t already, and it’s going to be bright! You’re going to laugh again. Your kids will smile and you’ll remember how great their giggles once sounded. But you’re giving them and you an opportunity to live again. You all have hope for a new way of life and it is going to be memorable. Feel empowered, mom. You’re a force to be reckoned with. Accept your new self and smile! Your future has never looked so promising.
by Lyric Anders, writer